Protect and Survive 11: Chasing Your Shadow
by RowenaR
Summary: Of course everything is right between Evan Lorne and Laura Cadman. After all, a snake in the head on your family visit is one of the most normal things in the world.
1. Prologue

**Author:** RowenaR

**Rating:** T

**Category: **Drama/Angst

**Disclaimer:** Stargate belongs to Gekko and… all those other people making money with it. Anyway, I don't. Honestly. So – I don't own, you don't sue. Deal?

**Summary: **Of course everything is right between Evan Lorne and Laura Cadman. After all, a snake in the head on your family visit is one of the most normal things in the world.**  
**

**A/N: **I said I had something in store, didn't I? So... this time... not so much action but lots of psycho stuff. I got a little tired of stories that were traumatizing the characters but never writing about the _consequences_ of that. Et voila, trauma story. Also beta'ed by **mac** of course... with lots of wonderful snark for me (because secretely I'm writing all those stories just to get her snark, you know... but don't tell her that!).

Anyway, as always: Not a native speaker, so please excuse any weird grammatical constructions, run-ons and typos. Feedback will earn you a cookie, flames will roast my marshmellows.

* * *

**Protect and Survive**** 11: Chasing Your Shadow**

"_I don't want to spend the rest of my days  
Running around, chasing your shadow  
So please don't let this chance slip away  
If you waste it this time  
I won't be here tomorrow."_

_Hurricane #1, "Step Into My World"_

**Prologue**

She's been watching him. For three weeks now, ever since they returned from their leave gone _slightly_ awry, she's been watching him. Covertly, quietly, careful not to let him notice. She wishes she could stop doing it; just treat him like she used to _before_, but she _can't_. He says he's fine, goes about his duties as usual, settled into living in joint quarters with her… but he could be living on Earth for all she knew.

At night he lies beside her, pretending to be asleep – by now she knows his sleeping patterns well enough to notice when he's faking and when he's really asleep – but she doesn't dare act upon it… ask him about it… or simply take him into her arms and silently tell him everything will be okay, like she used to.

In fact… in fact they don't touch each other that much anymore at all. Of course there's still a kiss in the morning, one for good night, a squeezing of a shoulder now and then… small things, yes, but not as frequent as it used to be… and they haven't slept with each other ever since they had rescued him from the snake.

But at least as long as they had been on leave… there hadn't been this… _distance_ between them. She'd believed they could make it without the usual fallout after something like this – in the SGC they had started to call it PSSD, post-symbionte stress disorder, a while ago – or at least that the fallout wouldn't be that _hard_.

But as it had turned out, she should have listened to the doctors and Colonel Carter telling her that sometimes the fallout would come with a time delay; as if the whole thing was like a bomb with a very long fuse. And as she has found out from watching him… the bomb is going off right into her face, a little more every day.

It's in the way he's lying awake at night and in the way he only ever smiles far and between anymore or in the way he's so quiet. Before… before he was quiet as well, of course. For example, he was quiet when he was at ease. She remembers lying on the couch with him, in his arms… she'd been reading, and he'd been content just to press a kiss to her temple now and then and otherwise doze off. And he was quiet when he was working hard on something, for example the whole thing with changing the rules. He was also quiet when he was pondering something intensely….

But the way he's quiet now… it's as if he's erecting a wall around himself to keep people away from him… or to keep _himself_ away from people. It's not the first time he tried to build up such a wall but she used to be so good at tearing them down anyway. She'd just attacked them until they'd crumbled or snuck around them…

Now though she feels like if she so much as _looks_ at the wall the wrong way, it'll break down and bury him beneath the rubble… bury them both. So all she can do is watch him build it higher and higher… and try not to fall apart while doing it.


	2. One

**One**

"How are you doing today, Major?" Silly question. All he wants to do is tell Obanashi to fucking _stop_ asking him that every damn time he comes here. In fact, he wants nothing more than telling her to stop asking him _anything_ in these sessions. But that would just serve to encourage her assessment of him that something was wrong with him and make her even _more_ persistent that he come to the sessions.

So he just grits his teeth and answers as politely as possible. "Fine, thank you, ma'am."

She looks at him over the rim of her spectacles, wearing a professional half smile but he's positive that she's thinking something along the lines of 'Fine, my ass.' They all are, even Laura. But he _is_ fine. Or he'll be, in a while. Everything will right itself over time, like it always does. He doesn't need a fucking shrink for that.

"Really? You aren't experiencing any… trouble sleeping? No concentration difficulties?" He shakes his head.

"Nope. Everything in the green." Well… not really. Most nights, he lies awake, beside Laura, trying very hard to appear deeply asleep. For some reason… he has the feeling that she knows very well that he isn't – he can tell from her breathing and way of moving when she has finally managed to fall asleep and it always takes much too long for his liking – but she doesn't _tell_ him she knows about it.

And then there are those moments where he has those flashbacks… really only short, not even full seconds. Mostly just flashes of pictures of the time he'd been victim of the Goa'uld. Standing over Laura in the bedroom, struggling with the symbionte for control over the hand that held the gun… being tied to the bed in the SGC's infirmary, subject to hearing his own voice hurling insults at Laura… They come at the strangest times but he's got it all under control. Really, he does.

"Glad to hear that, Major. How's work going?" He wonders when… _if_ Obanashi will ever lose patience and get fed up with asking him the same questions over and over again. He has the strong suspicion that she's doing this because she thinks it'll wear him down but if she can be stubborn… he can be _more_ stubborn. She should know, being the base psychiatrist and everything.

"Fine. Well, as fine as work can go on a top-secret base a galaxy away from Earth," he answers her with a nonchalant shrug, still keeping up the casual façade. Maybe he's lucky and today's the day he will have worn _her_ down… no, probably not. She's still her cool, professionally friendly self.

"No problems with handling weapons?" For heaven's sake, _no_. He's been a _soldier_ for over ten years now. Handling weapons is in his _blood_. He shakes his head. "I see. You don't feel fatigue setting in earlier than usual?" What? _No_! He's as fit as he always was, thank you very much. He shakes his head again, this time having a little difficulty at keeping up his neutral, relaxed façade. "Of course not. Oh, what about your eating habits? You do eat regularly, I take it?" Okay, that's going a bit too far now. If and how and when he eats is solely his decision. If he isn't hungry… he doesn't eat. Okay, so… he hasn't been really hungry for about three weeks now, but so what? It's just a passing nuisance. And food in the mess hall hasn't been _that_ good recently, anyway.

It's time, though, he ends this for today. He's got plenty of other _important_ things to do. "Yes, I do. Look, ma'am, not to be rude or anything, but could we just…"

"How is Captain Cadman, by the way?" Obanashi says in this absolutely calm and cool way she'd been asking all her other annoying questions… but this one is a new one. But that's not the most annoying thing about it. The most annoying thing is that it actually managed to shut him up.

It even makes him swallow before answering, "Fine. Captain Cadman is absolutely… fine." At least she didn't say otherwise. Yeah, a little evil voice in his head whispers, because Laura was always so very vocal about feeling bad. So vocal, in fact, that Sheppard had to send you to get her to go to the sessions after the cave fiasco because not even he had managed to drag her there.

"Ah, good to hear. I take it you two have talked about what happened on your leave then?" That's not Obanashi's business, even less than his eating habits. Asking him about how and what he talks about with Laura… who does she think she is?

Could it be, the little voice from before whispers that you're just peeved because Obanashi didn't even have to start digging to get to this? Dammit, he starts to hate this little voice, sounding almost like that Goa'uld. He feels nausea coming up at this thought… and tries to cover it up with taking a deep, irritated breath before replying, "Yes, ma'am, of course we did."

In a way… in a way that's true. She'd asked if he was really okay, there at his bed in the infirmary, and he had given her a weak, brave smile and told her that yes – not in those words but it was what he had meant – and that had been it. She'd believed him – and back then it had been _true_ – and she'd never asked him again. And dammit, it's _still_ true. He's _still_ okay.

"I'm sure you did." Then why are you asking about it? he thinks, growing more annoyed. "Things between you are fine, then?" Yes, goddammit, they _are_ fine. Granted, they haven't really slept with each other in… a few weeks but they've been together for almost a year now and they are both sensible adults, not teenagers raging with hormones and they both had a lot to do and needed their sleep and everything. Sex isn't the only thing their relationship is based on.

"Yes, ma'am. Things are really, really fine between us." Obanashi gives him a tight smile that even looks a tad… cold.

"There's no need to get angry, Major." He's _not_ angry and he's about to tell her that when she puts away her writing pad and takes off the glasses. "Just to get one thing straight: I'm not asking you these questions because I'm nosy. I'm here to evaluate if you're fit for duty or if the traumatizing events you went through will pose any long-term dangers for your deployment here and your overall psychological fitness. You do know that, Major, don't you?" All this she delivers very matter-of-factly and not the least bit agitated… almost casually. He resists taking a deep breath.

"Of course, ma'am." She puts on her glasses again and leans forward on her elbows.

"Then why do you keep lying to me?" He's _not_ lying to her. He's not telling her the truth in the strictest sense but he's not _lying_ to her, either.

For example, he doesn't have any trouble sleeping… since he doesn't sleep much at all. He also doesn't have much trouble concentrating because concentrating on everything but _the issue_ is what keeps him from thinking about it. And things between Laura and him… are as fine as they ever were. Aren't they?

"With all due respect, ma'am… I'd like to ask you to refrain from accusing me of lying to you. Because I'm not. And I'd appreciate you not asking any more questions about my off-duty life. There _is_ nothing to ask about there. I'm fine, Captain Cadman's fine… _we_ are fine." There, that should settle it.

Obanashi raises her eyebrow. "Really? Then I take it Captain Cadman agrees with that?"

He frowns. "Of course she does." Why shouldn't she?

"How do you know?" What stupid kind of question is _that_? Seriously, what's Obanashi trying to get at?

He shrugs, keeps on frowning. "Well… I just do." It's what marks a working and healthy relationship, he wants to add but something… keeps him from it.

Opposite him, Obanashi doesn't look very convinced. "Have you ever actually _asked_ her?" Again, one of these questions that come out of nowhere and make him speechless for just a moment too long. No… no, he hasn't.

In fact, lately he hasn't asked Laura much _at all_. They haven't even really _talked_ much at all since they came back. But he can't possibly answer _that_ because then she'd be totally convinced he was a nutcase, wouldn't she? Isn't that what she's been waiting for all the time?

She uses his momentary hesitation to add, "That's what I thought. Like I said, Major, stop lying to me if you ever want these sessions to end. And stop lying to _yourself_." Again he wants to give her back something for calling him a liar a _second_ time but she doesn't give him time for that. "Well then, that will be it for today. I'm sorry I don't have more time today but I really need to keep other appointments as well. I'll see you in three days?"

He'd _love_ to tell her not to bother with him in three days or _ever_ again but this isn't up to him and he doesn't want to risk bringing Sheppard's wrath upon himself by dumping the sessions without authorization so all he says is, "Of course, ma'am." To that she just nods, already pulling out another record… and he feels awfully much like just having been thrown out.

As he leaves, feeling a little confused… he just can't get that one question out of his head, 'Have you ever actually _asked_ her?' and he just can't stop pondering why he never did until now.

* * *

**A/N: **Oh yeah, someone apparently thought he can outsmart a shrink... lot of good _that_ did to him ;) (probably as much good as going to judo practice today did to me... hello, GP, I really like to visit you about sport injuries... well, not, but there's this pesky thing with the knee I apparently busted and all...). Well, at least it was worth several great lines of snark from **mac** ;)


	3. Two

**Two**

Jeez, why did Dernier have to go home suddenly? Now the explosives lab has no head anymore and _someone_ has to organize it because apparently no one else feels responsible for it. So she's stuck with loads of paperwork. Schedules, supply lists, reports… seriously, how did _she_ end up doing this?

Okay, so yes, this thing serves pretty nicely to distract her from Evan's issues with the aftermath of the Goa'uld… well, and her _own_ issues. Dammit, she really thought she'd gotten over it after the almighty crying spell she'd had at her parents' but… it just doesn't really stop. She still wakes up panting at night – thankfully usually when Evan isn't there because the last thing she wants is to burden him with _her_ problems – and she still feels even more short-tempered than usual.

Aw, fuck. Sighing, she pushes her laptop a little to the side and puts her head on the arms on the table. If she could just… "Ma'am?"

_Dammit_. Why does Simmons always have to startle her like that? She nearly fell off her chair… _again_. And God, that must have looked stupid how she jerked up... oh, great, he brought the rest of the team as well. Not… good. "Yes, Lieutenant… Sergeants? What… can I do for you?"

They look at each other and both the Sergeants seem to give Simmons a little nudge. "Right, uh… ma'am… can we talk to you?"

Uh-oh, that doesn't bode well, considering the very serious look Simmons wears… and both the Sergeants, Meyers included. But they helped her take down the rogue Trust cell… and it must have been quite the effort for Simmons to go to her. So she nods. "Sure. Just… come in."

They look at each other again and finally enter her lab. She gestures for them to sit down and after another moment of hesitation they take the seats. Simmons takes a short look around… and when his eyes fall on the picture of Evan and her that found its way to her desk a few weeks ago, he takes a deep breath. It starts to dawn on her what this could be about. "We're… we're really sorry to bother you, ma'am but… it's about… it's about the boss. Major Lorne, I mean."

Yeah, that's what she'd suspected. And she wishes they wouldn't have come to her about it. It's enough she has to talk to Obanashi about him. So she takes a deep breath herself. "Look, Lieutenant… I'm sure you didn't come here because of trivialities but… I don't think… I don't think Major Lorne would appreciate me talking to you about him behind his back."

Really, _he_ of all persons should know. And he hadn't even been privy to the worst of the fight she and Evan had about her meddling in his professional relationship with Simmons. At least… he seems to know that very well himself. "We… we know that, ma'am. And we really wouldn't do that if it wasn't… if there wasn't…"

"The boss hasn't been quite himself lately, Cap," Meyers interrupts Simmons matter-of-factly and… the Lieutenant looks almost grateful for that. She starts to feel a little sorry for him.

Right. Apparently either Evan's issues perpetrated into his professional life or his team knows him better than he thought. Either way, it must be bad if she isn't the only one noticing it. "Guys…" she's about to tell them that she can't talk to them about Evan but… the thing is… Meyers was _right_ and she's probably their last resort. And she remembers Simmons telling her that you just don't let down the boss… or any other team members. So she massages the bridge of her nose and says, "I know… I know."

She catches them looking at each other again and it's Simmons' turn again. "I mean, he's… he's still doing his job and he's keeping us all in shape and everything but…"

"He's not Evan… I mean, not the boss anymore." They nod. Yeah. He's really not Evan anymore. The helplessness in their faces – even in McPherson's face to a certain degree and that scares her a little – gets to her… because in some way it mirrors her _own_ helplessness. So it's probably time she opens up a little. "Look, guys, I'm sorry but I just… I don't know what to do, either."

Running her hand through her hair, she looks down at the table… so she doesn't have to look at Evan's team. Goddammit, she's still so thin-skinned and it just doesn't get _better_. "We're sorry, ma'am."

Surprised, she looks up again. That was… McPherson. "You don't have to be. I mean, you came here to find some help and I just…"

"Actually, we also came here to see if _you_ need some help." Oh. Oh, that came… unexpectedly, not just because it was _McPherson_ who said it but also because… because.

Blushing, she puts an errant strand of her behind her ear. "That's… really decent of you but… I'm okay, really. Just a little… busy is all." Of course Dr. Obanashi would have something else to say about it but Dr. Obanashi is _not_ in the room right now.

The guys look at each other again and… does Evan know how much they have perfected those little "our superiors are nuts" looks? "I was just thinking... Kassandra and I did some playing around with scheduling subroutines. Maybe you could need one."

Uh, why is Simmons… "And I'm sure the Camp Boom thing next month needs a little polishing. I'll look the tent plan over, Cap. Dr. Dernier always forgot that you should _never_ put Heinemann and Derijkje in the same tent because if you do they keep arguing about German and Dutch soccer the whole night."

Did Meyers just… "I'm quite good with sorting through all kinds of stuff, ma'am."

And with that, McPherson starts digging through the first supply shelf in his reach… while Simmons starts happily hacking away on the keyboard of the computer opposite to her and Meyers starts going through the chaos that are the plans for the three day explosives exercise for the Atlantis NCO corps on the mainland next month they'd been planning for the last three months.

A little overwhelmed, she shakes her head. "Guys, you don't have to…"

"But we _want_ to, ma'am," Simmons simply says, without looking up from the screen… in a tone that tells her that objection is not an option.

Realizing she won't get rid of the team for the rest of the day, she resigns herself to it and answers still a little perplexed, "Right… right." But, yeah… maybe she should just get back to what she had been doing before. "Okay… Meyers? Let's go through that tent plan…"

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry for the slight delay... I've become a little distracted by discovering Leverage (it's the first new fandom in ages that made me enthusiastic enough that I felt the urge to write fanfic... I don't even know when the last time was that that happened) but I promise I won't forget the Stargate fandom. It's the one I feel most at home at. I just need **mac** to nag me a little so I won't forget posting and writing for Stargate entirely ;)


	4. Three

**Three**

"How are you doing, Laura?" Obanashi says and slightly smiles at her. She's still a little put off by these smiles – genuine, yes, but not _warm_ – but they don't bother her anymore. It's just how the doc is with her patients that's all.

"Okay, I guess," she answers and plops down on the arm chair opposite Obanashi's, drawing up her right leg. The first time she had had to come to Obanashi's office, she'd tried to look professional and dignified, sitting up straight, never going further than crossing her legs.

After a few sessions that had gotten them nowhere, Obanashi had made her sit on the floor with her, where she hadn't had any other chance than let go off all formality. Surprisingly, suddenly… talking about everything had been much easier. Ever since then the first thing she does when coming into Obanashi's office for a session is taking off her boots and then curling up in the arm chair.

"Really okay… or soldier okay?" Ah yeah, of course Obanashi would ask that. She sighs. Of course she could pretend now but… she knows she doesn't have a chance against the doc. In fact, that's why she had fought so hard against having to go to those sessions after the cave fiasco. She'd known Obanashi would make her talk about _all_ of it and she'd wanted to avoid that at all costs because she'd been horribly afraid of it.

However… once Evan had successfully bullied her into attending the sessions… things had started to even out. Not _only_ because of the sessions – after all, she suddenly didn't have to pass those horrible nights alone anymore – but yeah, they had helped. So this time she'd grudgingly heeded the order to see Obanashi.

She sighs again. "Soldier okay. You just know me too well, Doc." The smile on Obanashi's face looks _almost_ like a smirk.

"That's my job, Laura." Obanashi takes off her glasses and that does make her look a little less stern. Miyako Obanashi just isn't Kate Heightmeyer and she'll never replace Kate. Talking with Kate was almost more like talking with a _friend_ than talking with a doctor and she'll always miss that. But over the last few months she has realized that sometimes it's better to talk with a doctor about these things, not with a friend. "Well, then… tell me why."

Now she draws up the other leg as well, snuggling deeper into the arm chair. Such a little, simple question… one could think it would be easy to answer it. She takes a deep breath. "Well… there was this mission with Major Teldy's team to M4K-865. You know that strange jungle planet with the evil poison bats? Okay, so that was just a little bit… disconcerting. Then of course having to reorganize half the explosives lab because Dr. Dernier had to go home suddenly and no one felt particularly responsible for _anything_. Seriously, you should have seen the chaos there. Oh, and did I tell you about the shower trouble we had in the female Marines' locker room? You wouldn't believe…" She's babbling. Both she and Obanashi know that.

So it doesn't really surprise her when Obanashi interrupts coolly, "Sounds like you had a lot on your plate lately." She nods and then shrugs. Yeah, she did. Wouldn't be Atlantis if she didn't. "So I hope at least in your private life everything is okay?" Mh, yeah, that _had_ to be asked. Every session she'd had since coming back from Earth and that _horrible_ Goa'uld catastrophe, Obanashi had slipped in at least one question about Evan's and her relationship. Up to now… she has successfully evaded going too much into detail… even though she _knows_ that Obanashi knows there's more to it than her carefully phrased equivocations.

At first she wants to nod, like she always does… but a thought comes to her, unbidden. Just two days ago, when she'd come back from a rather difficult conversation with Evan's team about their boss – well, that and being baffled about their enthusiasm in helping her with the explosives lab – she had found Evan in their dark quarters, standing at the window with his hands in his pockets.

She'd walked up to him and had against her usual disposition very carefully and quietly slipped her arms around his waist from behind and put her cheek against his back. His only reaction had been… no reaction at all, at least for a minute. He'd just continued to stand there, not even acknowledging her presence.

Then he'd turned around and regarded her with a look she hadn't really been able to decipher. It had been… first searching and then suddenly pain had shown through, she thinks now. She'd had the feeling he'd wanted to say _something_ but he'd hesitated too long and the moment had been gone and he'd simply given her a light kiss on the top of her head and then gone to bed, for another practically sleepless night.

She swallows to make the lump in her throat go away. "Let's just say that… it could be better."

For just a short moment she sees the flash of something like triumph shimmer in Obanashi's eyes, telling her that again the doc had gotten her exactly where she'd had wanted her. She knows from earlier sessions that there's no turning back from the issue now. Once Obanashi has brought you as far as admitting to her that things aren't as well as they should be, she won't let go off you until you have told her all that there is to tell. "Please tell me, Laura. And don't worry; none of this will get to Major Lorne or Colonel Sheppard or anyone else." Of course she knows that. Nevertheless… it's still comforting to hear it.

"I know, don't worry, Doc. Anyway… uh… I… I don't know where to begin. It's just that… Evan… Major Lorne…" Now that she has finally brought herself to break this subject with Obanashi, she suddenly doesn't know _what_ to tell her anymore. She wipes her hand over her face, pretending she isn't close to crying.

"What about Major Lorne? Is there trouble between the two of you?" Yeah, that's what she'd been trying to tell Obanashi. Not _that_ hard to see that, isn't it? But, okay, being annoyed and snapping at Obanashi won't get her anywhere. She should know; she tried often enough.

"Not… exactly." She takes a moment to think again, to try to phrase what's been bugging her for so the last week. "I think… I think the thing is that there isn't much of _anything_ between us anymore."

"I see." Obanashi now also puts away the writing pad in her hand she hadn't been writing anything on anyway and changes from sitting back with crossed legs to leaning with her forearms on her legs. "Go ahead, Laura."

She nods, trying to keep her wits about her. She'll tell the doc alright but she will _not_ cry or do any such nonsense. "I mean… we do talk and everything… but we don't… _talk_ anymore. Not… I mean… you know what I mean? We've been officially sharing quarters for a while now but… he could be living on Earth for all I know." The doc's nod is the only gesture indicating to her to continue she gives her but as it is… she's so much on a roll now that she doesn't need more anyway. "He's so… distant. And he always gives me the feeling that he doesn't want me close to him anymore. I don't know what to _do_. We're _engaged_, dammit." Oops. She hadn't planned to tell Obanashi _that_… and she has obviously managed to surprise ever placid and controlled Obanashi with this. Huh.

"I… see. Is there any reason… you haven't told me about this yet?" Does the doc sound just a _little_ bit miffed? Nah, she must be imagining it. Also… shouldn't she know about that anyway? After all, even _Moore_ knew about it through obviously shady sources.

She clears her throat. "We… we had agreed on telling no one except Colonel Sheppard and Mr. Woolsey here until we've got the official permission to get married from the brass back home. I really wasn't… supposed to tell you that." Another thing that's starting to get on her nerves… it's been almost three months since their appeal now. She starts to feel like she seriously needs to kick some bureaucratic asses if they don't get it sorted out soon.

Obanashi, though, gives her a smile that looks a bit different from her usual polite ones… a little amused and a little… lenient. "It was still good that you did. It's important for me to know such things. For how long have you been engaged now?"

She bites her lip. "Three months, I think. It was going so great… I mean, even after they got that snake out of his head, it had still been okay. Pulling through that… I thought it showed that it was right to get married, if not even _that_ could destroy what's between us, but…" Annoyed at herself she feels the tears prick in her eyes again. Dammit, she had been holding up so well until now.

"Do you still think it was right to decide to marry Major Lorne?" What kind of question is _that_?

"Of course! I mean… he's the one, Doc." It's true. And it's also the first time she says it to anyone, exactly like that. It's also the reason why it cuts her so deep that he has changed so much.

"So you don't want to break up the engagement?" She frowns, starting to get _really_ annoyed.

"God, _no_! Seriously, what are you getting at here, doc?" Because Obanashi _has_ to be getting at _something_ or she wouldn't ask these questions. Obanashi _never_ asks questions just because she can.

And yeah, the next thing she calmly says, is, "Then what _do_ you want, Laura?"

Well… that is a very good question. She wants to answer but she needs several attempts until she finally says, "I want… I want Evan back." Unfortunately that sentence… is her undoing. Silently, the tears begin to stream down her cheeks and she hears herself starting to sniffle and furiously starts to wipe the tears away.

Without much fuss, Obanashi hands her a box of Kleenex – where did that come from? Had she _known_ it would come to this? – and says, "Laura… it's okay to cry. It's a very difficult ordeal that you and Major Lorne have to go through right now. Crying is often just a way to release tension."

She snorts. "I used to release tension with having a go at my sandbag, Doc." That makes the doc smile, again a little amused.

"I'm sure the sandbag still won't have to retire." No, Lord knows it won't. In fact… maybe she'll pay it a visit in the next few days, if things still don't start to get better. "Anyway… what do you mean by 'want Evan back'?"

Isn't that easy to see? She takes a deep breath, finally accepts the box of Kleenex and tries to dry her face. "I just… I want his smiles back and his snarkiness… and his tenderness. And the closeness between us. You know, he's lying there right beside me and it just feels like he's light years away. I… I want that to go away but I… just… I'm so… afraid to touch him or even just ask him about it." God, she's so thankful for patient/doctor confidentiality right now. Doesn't bear thinking about what would happen if it got out into the light of the day that Captain Laura Cadman is afraid of something.

Obanashi nods and looks at her, now very serious. "Have you ever told _him_ that?"

She bites her lips again. "Well… no."

"Maybe you should." It's such a short sentence… not even a _real_ sentence. But it makes her speechless. Talking to Evan about it… suddenly it sounds like a good idea. How could she ever think it _wasn't_? Oh right, because she'd been afraid he would push her away even further.

But she still wants to marry him. And when – and _why_ – did she stop _fighting_ for the things she wants? "Yeah… maybe I should."

It makes Obanashi smile again, this time a little satisfied. Interesting, she thinks, that she has finally learned to read the psychiatrist. "I thought so. Do you want some advice?" Usually, she'd said no because usually Laura Cadman doesn't need advice on how to talk to her fiancé from _anyone_. But usually Laura Cadman isn't exactly an overachiever when it's about her love life, either. She shrugs and nods. "I know it doesn't seem like it… but he wants you to talk to him. He _needs_ you to talk to him. Someone needs to make the first step and I'm afraid _he_ doesn't know how to… and I think he's as afraid as you are."

She wonders… did Obanashi just breach patient/doctor confidentiality? The doc couldn't have gathered all that from the sparse things she told her about Evan… or could she? She wants to ask but decides against it, having the feeling that all Obanashi would do is give her one of those enigmatic Asian smiles and a noncommittal answer. So the only thing she does is say, "Thanks, Doc. I appreciate it. Really, I do."

"I hoped you would. If I may say so… you have come a long way." Was that a compliment? Or an insult? "It was a compliment, Laura." Damn, the doc _must_ be psychic. "Well, then… I think we made some progress today. Think about what we talked about. I will see you next week?" That's clearly a dismissal.

"Yeah, guess so. Doc… nice talking to you today." Another smile from the doc, this time actually friendly.

"Thank you, Laura. I know what it means coming from you." Man, she must have been a real nuisance in the beginning. Trying hard not to blush at this sudden realization, she gets up.

"You're welcome. So… until, next week, huh?" Obanashi just nods and she goes to put on her boots again. Oh well, she thinks as she exits Obanashi's office, time to fight for what's yours, Marine.

* * *

**A/N:** Funny how it still takes a psychiatrist to tell Laura something she usually knows all by herself... but then again, we _are_ talking about major traumatic events here ;) (also, wouldn't it be boring if they could figure that out by themselves? What? I like to torture my characters, I never denied _that_). Oh, anyway... what I forgot to tell you in the last A/N: The name of Lieutenant Simmons' girlfriend Kassandra? That's actually **mac**'s name and yes, it's in there intentionally because she asked me about a cameo and since she's the bestest beta I could have (because, you know, she beta's stuff for shows she's never even seen and even manages to put in blue snark there and she isn't afraid to give me a kick in the ass when I need it)... how could I refuse her?


	5. Four

**Four**

"Hey, are you gonna type anything on that laptop ever again?" He looks up, startled. Beside him, Sheppard eyes him a little skeptically over his own laptop. A little while ago – that is to say, a day after he and Laura came back from Earth and he'd found his office literally filled up with undone paperwork Sheppard had somehow directed there – they had agreed to more or less giving up their respective offices and simply use the conference room to work through their paper work together. Usually, that works just fine but today… he should have gone back to solitary work, he thinks. He resists clearing his throat

"Of course. I was just… thinking about how to rephrase something." The expression on Sheppard's face says very much that he doesn't believe a thing he just said.

But all he says is, "Good. Looked a lot like you'd completely zoned out." Damn. He can't really decide which is worse: That he really did or that Sheppard _noticed_ it. But there's still this question going through his head and it gets him in the strangest moments. "Have you ever actually _asked_ her?" No. No, he still hasn't. Two days ago, immediately after the last visit to Obanashi's office, he'd been so _close_ to doing it, when she had hugged him from behind, so quietly and different than her usual self.

He'd taken a moment to revel in that feeling of having her so close to him again, telling himself to be perfectly quiet as not to startle her, had steeled himself for asking her some very simple questions – "How are you, Laura? Are you okay? Are _we_ okay?" – but then he'd turned around and had looked into her eyes and from one moment to the next he'd been back in their bedroom in his parents' beach house in that horrible night _again_ and suddenly he couldn't bear being close to her again. He'd been close to her back then… and it had nearly killed her. It had taken a lot of an effort to give her that kiss on her hair… and it had taken even more of an effort to _pull_ _away_ from her but something in him had told him that if he wasn't close to her he couldn't hurt her.

"Whoa. You're doing it _again_." He blinks again. Fuck, fuck, fuck. "Seriously, Evan… is everything okay?" He swears, if anyone ever asks that again – okay, maybe anyone apart from Laura – he'll have to destroy something. He may even have to make Laura jealous and blow up something _really_ big.

Trying not to show too much of his agitation he replies coolly, "I'm fine, really."

"So you keep telling everyone." What is _that_ supposed to mean? Is _everyone_ here turning into Obanashi? Sheppard, Keller, Beckett, Moore, Teyla… even Woolsey. Even his _team_. Laura… Laura's the only one who doesn't constantly ask if he's okay and he tells himself he's thankful for that.

"Seriously, there's nothing wrong with me." Sheppard nods but it doesn't look… convinced.

"Of course. I mean… having a snake being pulled out of your head… happens every day. No big deal." Oh great, and now he's getting sarcastic. But at least that's something new.

That doesn't mean, though, that he lets it get to him in any way. "Exactly."

After that, it's back to working… and this time he's really working, typing his way through Simmons' monthly evaluation. For a while, Sheppard and he work along in silence and he's starting to hope that he won't get any more annoying questions today when Sheppard suddenly asks, "You're really determined, aren't you?"

It was very casual – Sheppard didn't even look up from his own screen – but something tells him it was meant anything _but_ casual. So he can't help shooting back, "Determined at _what_?"

Now Sheppard does look at him again, leaning back in his seat. "At trying to keep up this crap about being fine when everyone knows you've got a bad case of PSSD."

What the…? "I don't… _everyone_?"

Sheppard nods. "Everyone. From me to Cadman to your team members…" It's not as if he doesn't _know_ that alrea… wait. Laura as well? Please someone tell him she hadn't talked to _Sheppard_ about this. Seriously, if he finds out that she _had_…

But first he has to get Sheppard off his back. "Well… sorry to say it but then you've all just got it wrong."

He was actually praying that this would help… but of course it doesn't. What surprises him, though, is how serious Sheppard has grown; now leaning with his forearms on the table again. "No Evan and you _know_ it. _You've_ got it wrong if you really think you can keep this up forever." He's not _keeping_ anything up… okay, well, he is. But only until everything is _really_ right again. No need to make a fuss if the problem will go away eventually anyway. "I really thought I could let you sort it out on your own because you didn't even make a fuss about having to visit Obanashi twice a week but… I'm starting to get the feeling that it was a mistake."

This… doesn't sound good. He starts to become wary. "Sorry, but… is this going to be a reprimand of some sort?"

Now Sheppard looks… annoyed. Almost bordering on furious. "_No_, goddammit." But then he seems to get his temper under control again and adds a little quieter, "It's going to be a piece of advice… and an apology."

Why do they keep on doing that; stopping him dead in his tracks with all this wholly unforeseeable stuff. He actually does a double-take. "Uh… a what?"

A little resigned, Sheppard repeats, "An apology. I should have known that you'd just go to Obanashi because it was an order and you usually don't disobey orders and that it probably wouldn't solve anything. Should have known it would take more than this. I'm… sorry for letting you down. And Cadman." What does _Laura_ have to do with this? And what's this stuff about having let him down?

"You… you didn't…" Sheppard shakes his head.

"Yes, I did. Let me guess… all you tell Obanashi is that you're fine and that Cadman is fine and that you basically have much more important things to do than sit around her office?" Okay. Is it Obanashi he has to get off at for breaching patient/doctor confidentiality or is some strange alien entity possessing Sheppard and thereby making him psychic?

Unfortunately Sheppard looks very much like denial is not an option anymore. "Well… uh…"

"I've been there myself often enough, Evan." It's the quiet tone in which it is delivered, he thinks. That and the honesty in it.

These two things are what make him finally concede. "Okay… you _might_ have a point there."

Sheppard smirks. "Oh, I know I do. And I'm pretty sure I've got another point. Did you talk to Cadm… Laura about this?"

He's tempted to tell Sheppard that this is none of his business or simply lie to him like he had done with Obanashi. But for some reason… this is different. It's… it's not a professional talk between doctor and patient where he feels like he's being probed and dissected. It's not even professional talk between CO and 2IC. It's… talk between friends. He swallows. "No. Not… really."

Is that a smug look that passes over Sheppard's face before it's replaced with something close to worry? "Let me guess… you haven't talked much to her at all, have you?"

Okay… that's just a little bit too much for him. It's just a little bit too close to home to be comfortable. Boy, he's become such a sissy. "John, I'd appreciate it…"

"Thought so." Damn, why couldn't Sheppard just let him finish his sentence? And then he goes in for the kill, "She's your _fiancé_, buddy. I understand that you don't want to talk with Obanashi about any of this – quite frankly, I wouldn't want to either – and I even understand that you don't want to talk to _me_ about it… but _Laura_?"

He looks down. Yeah… why not talk to Laura? After everything… and hadn't they once agreed not to let any of this stand between them anymore? Still… "She just… never asked about it." And that really is the core of the whole issue. She'd never asked, apart from that one time in the SGC infirmary. Somehow… in his mind… it had stuck and it had made him feel like she didn't really _want_ him anymore… because she was too afraid or appalled, who knew?

Sheppard takes a moment for his answer… and then says, surprisingly quietly, "Maybe you didn't _hear_ her ask." What is _that_… supposed to mean? Didn't _hear_... Again he remembers that evening… and the questioning look in Laura's eyes. He also remembers the looks she threw him when she thought he wouldn't notice them… always so full of questions and worry. And he remembers her lying beside him, needing forever to fall asleep, even after a very long day. God… he'd been such an _idiot_.

He takes a deep breath. "Maybe." After that… he needs a little while to gather his wits. She _had_ asked but he just hadn't _listened_. That's what Obanashi had tried to tell him with her question. He feels like such a fool now. All the while he had waited for her to say something but the way he'd behaved… he's lucky she hasn't broken off the engagement yet. Damn.

Suddenly he can't suppress the urge to be close to her anymore, even when everything in him is screaming at him that he nearly failed at protecting her and that it was _his_ hand that had nearly pulled the trigger. He needs her. Oh God, he _needs_ her. He wipes a hand over his face and carefully clears his throat. "Listen, John, I… could we maybe finish this tomorrow? I think… I need to do something."

It gets him a smirk and an eye-rolling from Sheppard. "I certainly hope so." Still… something makes him hesitate… "Get going, for heaven's sake."

Okay, that's all he needs. Only his sense of self-preservation keeps him from jumping up and practically running out of the room. Instead he closes the laptop's lid, gets up really, really controlled and simply says, "Yes, sir. And uh… thanks."

With a wave of his hand, Sheppard tells him to finally get lost and without another word he leaves the briefing room to do something he should have done very, very long ago.

* * *

**A/N:** Everyone please thank **mac** for nagging me to post this because I'm idiot. So much that she has to hold one of my Leverage stories hostage until I finish posting chapter for this story ;) I promise I'll get back to posting and writing Stargate!


	6. Five

**Five**

Don't pace, she thinks. Just stay on the couch, read your book, stay perfectly calm. He'll come home eventually and it won't do much good if he sees you in a state when he does. The state of mind he's been in recently… wouldn't be a surprise if you scared him off with pacing and flailing.

That's what she's been telling herself ever since she got to her quarters from her session with Obanashi but it's not working… really well. In fact, she catches herself having to read a sentence the third time to get it _again_. Yeah, so it's a book about organic chemistry and not exactly popular science but usually that's no reason to have difficulties understanding it. Usually, she reads that stuff like others read romance novels but today… she hears the door opening and her head whips around, much too fast to appear casual.

And yeah, there he is, looking a little… disheveled, like he just hurried to get somewhere… well, home, obviously. When he catches her looking at him, he gives her a little smile that looks something between nervous and shy. Huh. It's been a while since she last saw this smile – in fact it's been a while since she has seen _any_ smiles – and she doesn't really know what to make of it. It's the same smile… she had sometimes seen on his face before she had discovered his feelings for her and like back then it confuses the hell out of her now.

"Hey," he says and comes over to the couch to sit down. He leans forward with his elbows on his thighs and runs his hands through his hair, bowing his head and linking his fingers in his neck.

"Hey," she replies unsure of where this is going, drawing her feet a little away from him. He doesn't notice it, though, because he still has his head bowed down for another minute or so. Then he leans back, his eyes closed. She really starts to wonder what the hell is going on here and she knows she should probably let him take his time and wait to see what he's up to but patience and Laura Cadman? Never got along well together.

"Uh, Evan, is everything…"

"Laura, I think I…"

Okay… that could have gone better. She clears her throat and tries a smile. At least he mirrors it, albeit still a little nervous. Where the hell is this going? Seems like she should maybe postpone her attempt at getting him to talk about the whole snake issue. Even she isn't that insensitive that she doesn't see that something has rattled him up. So she forces herself to be patient just for a few more moments until he has regained at least a little of his composure.

But somehow… he doesn't really manage it. He needs at least one or two attempts until he says, "I've… Laura, I've been thinking, you know… and I… uh…" not even looking at her. Quite unsuspected, she suddenly gets a queasy feeling in her stomach, like every time she is about to get dreadful news and she also feels a sharp stab of fear. He's going to break off the engagement. She just _knows_ he's going to break off the engagement. Oh God. Ohgodohgodohgod.

She wants to say something but the horrification at this realization chokes her up. The book forgotten in her hands she can only stare at him, feeling powerless in the face of this terrible development. Now he does look at her and when he registers the shock in her face he hastens to say, "God, Buttercup, whatever you think… I'm not going to… Don't look at me like that."

Oh. That's… the first time in three weeks he called her Buttercup again. He wouldn't do that if he was about to break up… would he? But why is he so… beside himself then? It's such a change to the man he'd been since they'd been back from Earth that she doesn't really know how to handle it. So she puts the book on the floor and moves to sit beside him. "You know, actually telling me what's the issue here would help a lot… farm boy."

At the mentioning of her pet name for him, he swallows and she starts to get frightened again. He's got something on his mind and it makes her all nervous and shaken up not knowing what it is. "I wish… I wish it were that easy." Damn, she's just _this_ close to rolling her eyes and telling him to quit this stupid stalling business and just get it over with.

But she'd lose him if she did it, that much she has learned by now. So she swallows her agitation and nervousness and anxiety and forces herself to be calm and gentle when she puts her hand on his. For a few moments he does nothing but stare at the hand on his before he turns to her again. She doesn't say anything, simply gives his hand a tentative squeeze and struggles to find the right words to soothe the pain this is bringing to him. And finally… she starts to get an inkling as to what this could be about. Could it be that… "I really don't know how to say this, Buttercup. I guess… I guess I spent… so much time _not_ talking about it that I…" Helplessly, he shrugs.

Yep. This _is_ about the PSSD issue. She can't quite believe that he's really sitting here, trying to talk with her about it, and all without her having to coax him into it. If he weren't looking so absolutely miserable and in pain, she'd be beaming at him. But as it is… she only feels like she has to do something against the anguish in his eyes. Without any further thinking, she engulfs him in her arms, hugging him as tightly to her as she can.

It takes him a moment or two to realize what just happened but this time he doesn't draw back or tries to get out of her hug. Instead he buries his face in the crook of her neck and fiercely hugs her back. Nearly overwhelmed by the onslaught of her own emotions, she moves to bury one of her hands in his hair and presses gentle kisses to his temple. She wants to tell him that it's okay to fall apart and that she'll be there and every other encouragement she can muster up but the feeling of finally having him so close to her again has her tongue-tied.

But what _really_ startles her is that she feels him move… in a dry sob. There come one or two more and suddenly she feels her skin become wet where he pressed his face against her neck. God… he's crying. He's also murmuring something… an apology, she thinks. An apology for pointing that gun at her and for not being strong enough to shut the Goa'uld up, back in the SGC and being so distant to her in the last few weeks…

She'd love to tell him that she never blamed him for anything and that he has nothing to feel guilty for but with an astonishing clarity she knows that right now he's not in a state to be able to be rational about it this. So she simply keeps holding him and quietly soothing him until he lets it all out.

She has no idea for how long they've been sitting like this on the couch but when he lets go of her he seems to be pretty exhausted but also relaxed, like he has just reached the end of a very long run. He puts his forehead against hers, still with his breath struggling to even out and she moves to smooth his tousled hair. "Better?" she asks and closing his eyes and swallowing, he nods. She gives him a very light kiss on the lips and feels him respond immediately. Tentatively, but immediately.

A feeling of giddiness wells up deep down inside of her. Up until now she'd still been harboring the fear that nothing would ever be the same again… and now she knows it won't. Instead… this could very well be the start of a new kind of understanding and trust… or at least she hopes so. She allows them both another moment of this kiss then she gently breaks it up and almost whispers, "Come on, Major, it's time you get your beauty sleep. Lord knows you need it."

It makes him chuckle very lightly and wiping a hand over his tearstained face, he simply says, "Just for once… you might be right." He stands up and she follows him, now feeling pretty tired herself.

"I'm _always_ right, farm boy." It draws a grin from his weary face, making her all warm and fuzzy inside.

"Debatable. _Very_ debatable." He gives her a kiss on the cheek and adds quietly, "Don't be too long, Buttercup." With that, he turns to the bedroom and she takes a moment to wait until he has disappeared through the door. Then she makes her way to the bathroom, giving him – and herself – a few minutes to compose himself.

When she's done and has entered the bedroom, she finds him already deeply asleep and this time for real. The moonlight from outside shines on his face and she can see that his features are softer and more relaxed than they have been for weeks. Quietly she slips under the covers and curls up beside him. Without even really waking up, his arm comes around her waist and he breathes a subconscious sigh as she kisses him in return. She'd love to lie here all night and watch him sleep but the day has taken its toll on her as well… and in the space of a few minutes she has fallen asleep as well.

* * *

**A/N:** Nyaharghgnah. I've been a bad author again, haven't I? Is anyone at all still reading this? Because I'm really worried that there isn't because I'm so abysmal with my updates. Also, it's really just _my_ fault, **mac** doesn't have anything to do with it. In fact, she still keeps nagging... and supplies me with music that's practically unatainable in Europe (namely Christian Kane). Thus... I'm starting to feel itchy about writing something for The House Rules or Whiskey in Mind (mac prefers Whiskey in Mind, BTW) for Lorne/Cadman. Don't have a real bunny yet but I do think it's just a question of time until it knocks on my door and begs to be written...


	7. Six

**Six**

"How are you doing today, Major?" He wonders if the doc ever tires of asking people that. Seriously, how boring must it be to ask everyone the same question again and again and most probably receiving the same _answers_ again and again?

Maybe it's this that makes him give her a different answer than usually just once. "Well… I've been worse, ma'am."

She raises her eyebrows in mild surprise. "Oh. When?"

And then he realizes that he just made a mistake. He led her straight to the point where she'd been trying to get him all the last few weeks: To admitting _something_ was wrong. Damn. The worst thing is: He has the distinct feeling that now he doesn't have a chance to get around talking about it. Resisting a sigh, he says, "Yesterday, for example."

Obanashi takes off her glasses. He wonders if there's a system behind that habit. The doc always struck him as the kind of person that rarely does anything just because. With people like her… there's _always_ a reason behind everything they do. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Stupid question, honestly. He really can't think of any soldier – of any _man_ – who would _want_ to talk about losing it in front of their fiancé like he lost it yesterday in front of Laura. "No, but I guess I don't have a choice, do I?"

Obanashi just gives him a delicate little shrug. "Suit yourself."

Damn, that woman drives him _insane_. He gives her a little irritated frown. "Will I _ever_ get a straight answer from you?"

Now a smile that could _almost_ be a smirk. "That depends."

God_dammit_. He'd told himself that today he won't let _anything_ she says get to him but it seems that this is becoming obsolete rapidly. "On _what_?"

"If I will ever get a straight answer from _you_." Man, that woman is _evil_. Seriously, she takes _everything_ you say and twists it so that she can give you hell with it. Suddenly he's very, very glad that Laura is – despite her tendencies to hide things from him or being a worthy opponent in every fight – a very straightforward woman. "But you were about to talk about yesterday."

God, why does he always get the headstrong and persistent women, in every aspect of his life? In her way, Obanashi is as good a fighter as Laura and as good at getting him to talk as his mother or his sister. He starts to get the distinct feeling that he won't be able to hold up his defenses for much longer. "Yeah, right."

She gives him another rising of her eyebrows. "Well?"

He'd really like to blame _someone_ for the predicament he finds himself in but in all honesty… it's all _his_ fault. The moment he hadn't answered with the usual "Fine, Ma'am," even though he knew better he'd surrendered to Obanashi. "I asked her… or she asked me. Something like that."

Damn. She doesn't even give him the satisfaction of looking surprised or confused. Instead Obanashi doesn't miss a beat and asks sounding totally professional, "How did it go?"

Yeah, well, how _did_ it go? Embarrassing, for one thing. Painful as well. Definitely teary. And did he mention embarrassing? "Not exactly like I thought it would." When he'd been on his way from the briefing room to their quarters, he'd gone through different scenarios how talking to Laura could go – even including the one where she would tell him to get lost, preferably forever and that had scared him nearly to death – but he'd _never_ thought he would end up sobbing his heart out to her.

"Care to enlighten me any further, Major?" No. She might have gotten through a few outer walls of his defense but he will _not_ tell _anyone_ about this night. Not in a million years. _Never_. This is solely between Laura and him and it will stay that way.

"With all due respect… no, Ma'am. Go ahead; ask me about my sleeping patterns or my eating habits if you think you need to know about it. Or ask me about how things are with my team. Or _maybe_ try asking me about my relationship with Captain Cadman is doing again. Just don't expect me to say anything about last night, though." Mh. That's probably the most he ever said in one of his sessions with Obanashi. He doesn't expect it to work but he _had_ to try it at least.

Opposite him, Obanashi leans back in her chair and tips her glasses against her lips. After another moment of contemplation, she replies, "Very well. How _is_ your relationship with Captain Cadman doing?"

Oh. Okay. That's _not_ what he expected. But yeah, it's his fault, again. He shouldn't have suggested this to her. So… what to answer? When he'd woken up this morning at 0600 he'd accidentally woken Laura up as well while trying to carefully disentangle himself from her. What had surprised him had been that she hadn't growled or grumbled at him like usually but instead shown him a drowsy little smile after a moment of slight disorientation. It had told him more than anything else – even more than several hours of almost undisturbed sleep – that embarrassing himself had been all worth it. In fact, the memory of that makes him slightly giddy with anticipation.

Well, that and the news he'd gotten with the latest data burst today. He feels himself breaking out in a genuine little smile and rubbing his neck. "Getting better, I'd say. After all… we're going to get married. Well, if she still wants to, that is." Argh, he shouldn't have said that. Now she'll prod and pry again…

"Really?" Or maybe… _not_. And why is it that she doesn't seem really surprised about this? It just adds to his suspicion that women on Atlantis are _all_ psychic. Or maybe he just underestimated the power of the Atlantis rumor mill. _Again_.

"Yeah. Just got the permission from the brass. Was about fu… about time." Phew, that was close. For some reason, Obanashi manages something not even his mother can do: make him abstain from using profanities. But it _was_ about fucking time, dammit.

"Congratulations, Major." She slightly smiles at him and to his astonishment it actually looks warm and genuine. Well, who would have thought? Dr. Miyako Obanashi does have something of a heart.

"Thanks, ma'am." He rubs his neck again, unsure of what will come now and if she will exploit his little slip about not being sure if Laura still wants to marry him after all.

"I've also got the feeling that Captain Cadman would be very happy to hear this." Okay, yeah, he knew something about this would come. He just hadn't counted on it being something like _that_.

It's why the only thing to answer he can think of is, "Really?"

Obanashi nods. "Really." For some reason… he feels inclined to believe her. After all, she's also talking to _Laura_ on a regular basis. He has never asked Laura what exactly they are talking about when she's in Obanashi's office – just like _she_ never asks him about that – but something tells him that Obanashi can uncover Laura's secrets as well as she can uncover his. And yeah, she probably just breached patient/doctor confidentiality but for all he knows… she could as well just have made an educated guess.

Then she puts her glasses on again, gathers her papers, stands up and adds, "However, I'm afraid we'll have to continue another time. I will see you next week?"

At least this time it doesn't sound like she's throwing him out but like really doesn't have any more time. He gets up and nods. "Yes, ma'am."

She leafs shortly through her notes but he's pretty sure she's just doing this for show. Obanashi is still right on track. "And might I suggest we talk about you and your team a little more, then?"

Yeah, well, that was to be expected. Now that they have at least partly cleared up the issues between Laura and him – though he's sure she'll continue to badger him about it – his team was bound to be the next issue they would tackle. And quite frankly: There are a few good reasons for that. In the last three weeks… his team probably was wondering if their weird CO had been replaced with his even weirder twin. "Certainly, Ma'am."

Satisfied that he didn't put up any resistance against her 'suggestion', she nods. "Very well. Have a nice evening, Major."

"Yeah, you too, Ma'am." With that, he finally leaves her office to go in search of Laura. He'd asked Sheppard not to forward the answer from the brass to her because he secretly loves to be the one bringing her good news. Up to now she never voiced any questions why he always seems to be the only one getting news that concern _both_ of them and he suspects she knows perfectly well how much he enjoys being the one telling her about them. So all he wants to do now is finding her and telling her about it all.

* * *

**A/N:** OMGWTFWINNER! GO LENA! ROCK THE CONTEST! And now for all the non-European people among you (apart from **just add coffee** :D): Tonight was the one night of the year all of Europe watches the same show at the same time, the Eurovision Song Contest and German participant Lena won with her song "Satelite" with over 200 points (she got points from almost every one of the 39 countries that are part of the contest which is... _awesome_ for so many reasons) and the last time Germany won was 1982. So... you can understand why I just _had_ to tell you? Also... who of you got as scared as **mac** got when I greeted her with the same thing I greeted you in this A/N? :D


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"_If we get it together  
It could last forever  
If you got the time to try it  
You know that it could be a riot."_

_Hurricane #1, "Step Into My World"_

"So, basically, that's why they all came back covered in feathers two days ago," Maureen finishes her account of SGA4's latest adventure and she can't help join Maureen in her giggles. Major Moore is away on some mission or the other and they used the Major-less time to catch up a little. Since she has been back from her leave they really hadn't had any time to talk because something had always come up.

Of course she did talk a little about what happened to Evan with Maureen but they didn't have the time for some _real_ talking. So she was glad to find her fellow Marine alone in her office, not really keen on working but hiding from the paperwork her new position as a team leader forces her to do. For three hours now they have both successfully escaped work by chatting about this and that.

They started with Maureen's proposal to her Major – she never thought there could be a proposal any _less_ romantic than the way Evan proposed to her – worked their way through the nicer parts of her leave… and finally found the time to also talk about the not so nice parts. However, somehow she's glad they didn't dwell too long on that and instead went on to stuff a _little_ funnier.

"Must have been a pain to clean the quarters after that." Maureen shrugs.

"No idea about the guys' quarters but _I_ didn't let Tom in until he was completely feather free. I just hope he cleaned up the locker room after changing." Oh, she thinks she remembers something about that.

"Want to know a secret?" Eagerly, Maureen nods. "Judging from the shouting and swearing I heard from the guys' locker room that day… he actually had to be persuaded forcefully to do it." They both break down into another fit of giggles, throwing the ways the guys could have made Major Moore clean up the locker room in between the bouts of laughter.

"Aren't you supposed to be translating Wraith communiqués for Mr. Woolsey, Captain Reece?" Immediately, they stop laughing and look at the door. There, Evan is leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, looking stern. Maureen clears her throat… and is she blushing?

"Yes, sir. Of course. Sorry, I was just…" He keeps up the stern façade a moment longer but then he takes pity on her and smiles a little amused.

"SGA4 just came back from their mission. I've got the feeling Major Moore might need some TLC in the infirmary." At that Maureen _almost_ jumps up from her chair and she makes a mental notice to slap him on the head for that evil thing. "Don't worry, Captain, just some scratches. But you know how he can be." Make that two slaps. At least. Honestly, to frighten poor Maureen like that…

The Marine in question looks very much like she would like to give Evan a few slaps herself for that but in the end she just nods and pretty obviously forces herself to get up without hurry. Maybe she should ask Major Moore or Colonel Sheppard to do the same to Evan. Let's see how much he still likes to do that afterwards. "Yes, sir. I'd still like to… would you please excuse me, sir? Laura?"

She nods at Maureen and asks, "Shooting range tomorrow?"

"Sure. Gotta defend my Beretta score, after all." At the words 'Beretta score', Maureen throws Evan a look that could _almost_ count as glare but he pretends he didn't see it and lets her walk past him. When she's left the room, he comes in and the door automatically shuts behind him. Show-off, she thinks, but quickly banishes that thought. Evan uses his ATA gene almost completely subconsciously, without any real agenda behind it.

He walks up to her and goes to give her a kiss. She'd love to enjoy it that he finally started to act more normal around her again but first she feels compelled to stand up for a fellow Marine. Crossing her arms, she says, "That was mean, Major."

Faking innocence, he raises his hands. "I have no idea what you mean."

"Oh yes, you do. Frightening Maureen just to get rid of her? Not nice." She pokes his chest with her index finger but he just catches her hand.

"I didn't. Want to get rid of her, I mean. Honestly… I just wanted to save the infirmary personnel from Tom's whining." Ahahaha. Yeah, sure. _Tom's_ whining. One of the few things Thomas Moore and Evan Lorne actually have in common is their tendency to suffer in silence rather than bother everyone with complaining… unlike _certain_ scientists.

"It was mean, period. You don't really expect me to let you do that to a fellow Marine, do you?" For a moment, he looks like he's actually inclined to take her up on this argument but then something else seems to win and he sighs a little resignedly, letting go of her.

"Okay, okay, it _was_ mean. Happy?" All of a sudden she feels sympathy welling up. It's only now that she realizes how tired he looks and that there are still traces from last night. She also remembers now that he had another session with Obanashi today and how much he has come to hate those. He probably thinks she hasn't noticed it but every time he had to go there he had been even more withdrawn than usually and had tossed and turned even more at night.

She unfolds her arms and puts her palm against his chest, slightly rubbing it soothingly. "Yeah." But she can't resist adding, "Next time… you might consider simply _asking_ her."

"Alright, alright." He still looks a little put out and she has the feeling that today's visit to Obanashi must have been extraordinarily trying. Usually, she would let it go since for some reason they silently agreed not to talk about their respective sessions but maybe… that had also been a mistake.

She gives him the kiss he came for and says, trying to sound as if this was an absolutely natural topic for them to talk about, "How did your session with Obanashi go?"

He shrugs, making an effort to appear unfazed. "Okay, I guess."

Okay, maybe she should just try talking about this another time, somewhere in the future when things have evened out… or maybe never. For now she decides to give him a way out of having to talk about it. "You've been a nice boy, haven't you?"

Smiling a little relieved, he takes it straight away. With a grin, he says, "I'm _always_ a nice boy."

Reminiscent of last night she just replies with, "Debatable. _Very_ debatable." It lets his grin widen and she's glad she didn't dwell more on it. For now she should just be thankful that last night seems to have been the breakthrough she had been hoping for. "Anyway, you _really_ didn't come here just to tell Maureen that Major Moore wants someone to fuss over him, right?"

He shakes his head. "Mh, no. Actually, I came here because I have some news." She raises her eyebrows. Until now every time he bothered to go looking for her instead of simply radioing her to tell her about some news it had been something life-altering… or at least something _positive_. So she seriously hopes it's the same now. "Well… uh… brass says we can get married. And stay here."

It takes her a moment to realize what he just said but when it does… she practically throws herself at him with a squeal. A little flustered at first he needs a moment to react but he's fast enough to engulf her in his arms and steady them both against the force of her onslaught. He also responds pretty eagerly to the kiss she initiated. Well… for about as long as it takes both of them to remember that they are still in a public room.

He clears his throat and she's almost sure he was just about to check behind his back to see if someone had opened the office's door right in this moment. A little sheepishly, he says, "I take it you still want to marry me then?"

What kind of question is _that_? Did he really think… She can't help but giving him the slap to the back of his head after all. "Did I ever give you the impression I _wouldn't_?"

A little miffed and indignant, he rubs the back of his head. "You didn't have to illustrate your point _that_ explicitly, thank you very much."

She rolls her eyes but leans in to him. "Let me kiss it all better?" He doesn't object but rather anticipates her path of action and meets her halfway. Still hungry for touching him – and being touched – she lets her hand wander down under his shirt and the feel of his skin is _almost_ strong enough to make her abandon every caution and start to undress him right here and now. And from what she can feel… he's not far from that, either.

However, it wouldn't be Evan Lorne if he let it really go that far, so she isn't really surprised – but still disappointed – when he breaks the kiss and says, "I think we should probably continue this someplace else." At least his voice has this pleasant husky softness she missed so much. In fact, that's one of the very few reasons why she lets herself be so easily pursued to break this up. Well, that and the fact that they are in one of her friends' office _and_ not even allowed to hold hands in such public surroundings.

"Yeah, probably." She wants to disentangle herself from his grip but it tightens just a little more.

"Laura… it won't be easy, probably for a very long time. I just…" So that's why he thought she wouldn't want to marry him. Because she wasn't willing or didn't feel up to dealing with everything that came with the snake in his head and which still might come in the future. For a moment, she's appalled and also astonished that he really underestimated her like this but then she remembers that _she_ also thought that he would break off the engagement when he had tried to tell her about what the snake did to him.

She puts another light kiss to his lips. "It's not _supposed_ to be easy, farm boy. And I'm a Marine. Remember our motto?"

He smiles, relieved. "Good point, Buttercup." Then he lets go off her and turns for the door… that unlocks. Wait… he hadn't locked the door when he came in… that must have happened when… She can just barely suppress an amused grin. Seems like he _really_ uses his ATA gene subconsciously. "Come on, lets get home." Yeah… home. Home sounds really, really good… most of all with that soft voice still in her ear and that pleasant feeling of his skin still lingering.

She smiles up to him. "Yeah… home would be nice."

* * *

**A/N:** And another story done... I um... haven't chased you off, right? *bad case of author anxiety Because, see, this certainly isn't the last story in the PAS 'verse I have in store (pretty much in neat order, thanks to **mac** ;)). However, if you're starting to get bored of them... tell me, please? :S


End file.
